MLB All Frosted Tips Team

The Super Bowl is over.  Pitchers and catchers still have a week before they report.  Basketball and that thing they do on ice are not even close to their two month playoff.  This is the dead time in sports.  It happens every year.  It is a difficult time for a blogger to write about something relevant that is not already covered to death (i.e. Carmelo Anthony).  Instead of boring you with yet another opinion of something you are tired of hearing about, let’s remember a simpler time.  This was a time when press conferences about homosexuality, broken bats being thrown, and shortstop sleepovers were all the craze.

For anyone in high school during the late-90s to early 2000s, 40% of you frosted the tips of your hair (approximate stat), whether it be to feel cooler for the ladies, brighten a winter day with hopes of summer, or attempt to recreate the master race.  If you never did frost your tips, you definitely knew guys who did, and baseball players were no exceptions.  With that, here is the starting lineup for the MLB All-Frosted Tips Team, sure to fill your heart with so much nostalgia, you’ll listen to every Blink 182 CD you ever bought (or stole from Napster).

C – Mike Piazza – The All-Star catcher for the New York Mets was one of the premiere players in the league, and had been for quite some time.   His Hall of Fame caliber offense at the catcher position was astounding and unmatched by any of his predecessors.  He just needed that something extra.  That half an inch of blond highlights on top of his head.  Now, he was ready for anything, especially rumors in 2002 that he was a homosexual, so much so that on May 22nd, he became the first MLB player to hold a press conference to inform everyone that he was not gay.  All that was left was a tell-all book disclosing his “funny feelings” towards Benny Agbayani.

1B – Kevin Millar – Give this “idiot” credit, he made the frosted tips work.  The tips fit perfectly with his filter-less mind and fun-loving attitude.  Next to Manny Ramirez’s dreads and Johnny Damon’s Moses hair, he did not look nearly as ridiculous.  Nevertheless, if you look like a dog peed on your head, you make this list.

2B – Bret Boone – Boone had some explosive years in Seattle, which some assume was caused by steroid use.  I disagree.  Injections into the backside were not what aided this slugging second baseman, it was the Pantene that was placed ever so gently on his head.  Boone retired after injuries plagued the end of his career, but I know the truth.  Once his stylist hit the road, so too, did Boone’s power numbers.

3B – Alex Rodriguez – Maybe the poster boy for the frosted tips era, A-Rod went above and beyond frosting his tips to be one of the biggest tools in baseball.  After a riff with teammate and close friend Derek Jeter caused the two to become more distant, A-Rod cried over lost sleepovers with his colleague.  Along with his frosted tips, his affairs with Madonna, his marriage problems, and his remarks about being too handsome and talented for the media to handle was more than enough to warrant inclusion on this list.  A-Rod did everything he could to try to be cool in front of the New York media, and frosted tips was his answer.  Sorry Mr. Rodriguez, nothing helped you until you hit in October.

SS – Rey Ordonez – Ordonez was always a crowd pleaser.  While consistently hitting at the Mendoza Line, he amazed fans with spectacular plays at shortstop.  What I think happened was Ordonez misread his Spanish-to-English dictionary when telling the hair stylist what he wanted.  Once it was done, he had to live with it and hope that it would not affect his three-home-run-a-year average.

OF – Carlos Beltran – There was no need for this.  Beltran was a top performer wherever he went, a postseason hero in Houston, and a 30-30 threat every season.  He kept to himself, did not cause any problems, and just played ball.  I guess his agent thought he needed more publicity to get his image out.  I really hope he was fired shortly after.

OF – Jim Edmonds – Who doesn’t love Jim Edmonds?  He makes plays in center that drop your jaw, he had 40 home run power, and that lovely smile that was awarded to whomever beat MLB Slugfest 2004.  Maybe I should not be surprised since Edmonds does have a vanity license plate that reads “Hollywood.”

OF – Brian Giles – Does it surprise anyone that a man who admits to waxing his entire body frosted his tips?  It is rumored that he even has a tanning bed in his home.  There is no doubt that Giles has a DVR filled with Jersey Shore, Jerseylicious, Real Housewives of New Jersey, and JAG.

DH – Jason Giambi – The moustache was amazing, the frosted tips…not so much.  It might have seemed logical to Giambi to cover up his steroid-size head and pimpled-filled body with such a horrible look.  Between that and the golden thong, I’m surprised Giambi has not held his own press conference yet.

SP – Roger Clemens – This was most likely done out of roid rage.  Nothing was better than the frosted tips rivalry that ensued between Clemens and Piazza, culminating in Clemens chucking a broken bat at Piazza…I mean the bat boy…I mean the dugout.  Clemens’ fall from grace is legendary and it all started with a trip to the salon.

With our starting lineup set, here are some guys who make up the bench:  Aaron Boone, Juan Rivera, Robin Ventura, Chipper Jones, A.J. Pierzynski, Heath Bell, Trevor Hoffman, and Bobby Jenks.   A full 25 man roster is not complete yet, so feel free to send a comment with a player you remember who took this unfortunate plunge into Toolville.

MLB Obscure Fact of the Week: Mark Grace has the most hits in 1990s with 1,754.  He beats Rafael Palmeiro (1,747), Craig Biggio (1,728), and Tony Gwynn (1,713).

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